Mother’s Day Approaching (From a Grieving Daughter)
“What Grief Has Taught Me?”
A beautiful bouquet of flowers, nice restaurant, gifts galore, showing gratitude and love could be ways that you celebrated Mother’s Day. Planning for weeks on what you should do and what is going to make your Momma Girl smile and light up like a tree on Christmas. We can plan for days, but what happens when the month is a little different? Waking up early and going to hug your Mom is drastically taken away. Deep down inside you are dreading the month of May. You are fearing Mother’s Day! The day that was filled with so much Joy.
This year, May feels strange because this is the first Mother’s Day without my Momma. May was always a celebratory Month. First, my Momma name is Mae and it’s her birthday month as well. As a daughter, I always made sure this month and others were special. But this year it feels eerie. So, the question is what do you do and how do you respond? All I can ponder on is the times we had together and the tears immediately begin to fall. To be honest with you, I’ve been struggling on what to do. How do I honor my Mom when she’s no longer here physically?
On May 1st, I woke up and went to the window in the living room and opened up the blinds. The sun was shining so bright. The end of April it rained for a couple of days. As I saw the sun beaming at me, all I could say was, “You brought the sunshine.” This famous song by The Clark Sisters has a totally new meaning to me. God revealed to me that this month does not have to be filled with grief but with celebration. Then I began to seek God and ask God how do you want me to honor my Mom. Sometimes we can focus and replay the death of a loved one in our heads so much that we eliminate the precious memories.
Grief is a hard pill to swallow and sometimes you experience regrets, guilt, anger, emptiness and disappointments. I’ve found out that grief is a pain that no one wants, but we must experience it. You could never empathize with someone until it has overtaken your world. It doesn’t ask for permission to overwhelm your life - it just comes out of no where. Everyone experiences grief differently and we have to learn to accept their process.
I thought I was ok until grief hit me. It’s teaching me a greater level of resilience!
4 Things Grief Has Taught Me:
1.) Relinquish Control
If we could be honest with ourselves, we love to be in control. Last year, I suffered from battling a stronghold of controlling the narrative. I literally tried to do everything to keep my Momma on earth. Unfortunately, I learned that there is nothing I could do but God was sovereign. Sometimes we say out of our mouths that God has control of our lives. In actuality, we only want him to have access to certain parts of our world. After my Mom’s service on 9/28/2020, I could barely pray and I did not write in my journal. These two components were essential to my self-care routine and now they felt like they were stripped away from my life. Now, I know at the time it was too painful to pray and writing my emotions down.
One of my closest friends, Rachel, called me and wanted me to start this prayer challenge with her. “Draw the Circle” by Mark Batters was life changing. In his book he says, “Prayer is the difference between seeing with our physical eyes and seeing with our spiritual eyes. Prayer gives us a God’s-eye view.” This was the perfect thing to do during this time.
God is so powerful and cares so much for us. I learned that God will instill in me His view.
“Blessed are those who mourned, for they shall be comforted.” – Matthew 5:4
During this time of relinquishing control, I had to learn that I am just a vessel. His will is better for my life than my own plans.
2.) Beauty in traumatic experiences
There have been days that I’ve cried, screamed and was even mad at God. It has not even been a year since my Mom been gone, but I’ve learned that in just 7 months that her presence will always be around. God gives us sneak peaks and moments of beauty in traumatic experiences. Since my Mom passed, I have been seeing Cardinals. These vibrant red birds are beautiful and they receive your attention from far away. My play brother, Cordell, saw one the day my Mom passed. He explained to my brother and I the significance of this sighting. There are so many different meanings but Caring Cardinals says, “Symbolic signs appear in many forms, but the red cardinal has long been embraced as the most notable spiritual messenger who has been sent by our loved ones in Heaven to watch over us.”
Though I saw the cardinal on 9/17/2020, I did not see another one until October. With taking off a month at my job, I went into a depressive mood. One day, I heard the voice of God telling me to go outside to sit on the patio and take my journal with me. Now, I am not an outside girl at all. Though I was having a hard time, I obeyed. Sitting in a brown straw chair with a turquoise umbrella covering me - granted me peace. As I wrote down my emotions, feelings and thoughts, I started to see the cardinals and it brought me so much joy.
When I think I’m not going to see them, I look up and I see one fly by my window swiftly. If I feel depressed, they are always there at the right time. This is such a blessing from God to be connected in a powerful way to His wonderful creation.
Healing takes place when you acknowledge the hurt and refuse to suppress the tears.
3.) Be Present
In the midst of grief, I learned to be present. We have to allow ourselves to mourn over our love ones. Its teaching you it’s ok to feel emotions where ever you are at the time. One of the hardest things to do is to be still. Well it may not be for you, but chillllle it is for me. Occasionally, I have to reiterate to myself that taking a break, resting and diving into self-care full force is needed. Grief is teaching me to truly take care of Pamela Anita Mary Davis. Yes, I said all of the middle names. lol.
Before my Mother’s Service, I decided to start seeing a therapist. The words, wisdom and the listening ear she gave me was everything I needed. God & Therapy is saving me through this process. We have to learn how to scan our bodies to see where the anxiety or stress is stemming from. The techniques and strategies you learn from therapy, assist you with knowing yourself at your core.
Being present is giving yourself permission to feel the pain instead of succumbing all of the emotions. You never know how or when your emotions will show up in your world. The times I have cried in a store, on my job, talking to a friend, and definitely at home I just learned to let it flow.
4.) Forgive
I’ve found out that grief is a pain that no one wants, but we must experience it. Having regrets and guilt can overcome you. There were so many thoughts that raced through my mind:
Maybe I should’ve did this different?
It was the physician’s fault?
Was it my fault?
Wait… Maybe, I should’ve took off work more, so I could have had more time with her.
I remember waking up one day out of my sleep and I heard the words, “I forgive you.” Those words were so calming and peaceful. Choose to forgive yourself and all of your mistakes. In forgiveness you find freedom.
Living life without a Mother is painful until you remember her smile, wisdom and joy.
Sis, if this is your first year without your Mother on Mother’s Day or maybe it’s been years. You are not alone and I want you to share the memories that you had with your best friend. Not just the tears, but the joyful moments and the laughter. Every young girl, their first best friend was there Mother. There are so many things I miss about my Mom, but I don’t want to focus so much on the pain that I neglect the precious memories. Yes, this is my first Mother’s Day without my Mom, but I’m choosing to honor her through the pain. Whether that’s cooking her favorite dish, writing a letter, wearing her bracelet, or laughing at her sayings. I choose to honor her with all of my heart.
On this day, you may feel pain and tears may fall, but don’t forget the memories. Remember how she made you smile or how her hugs were so soothing. Whatever it may be!!!! Choose to grieve, but remember to celebrate your Momma Girl!!!!
